Thursday, February 17, 2011

On the Corner of Loss and Heartbreak...

Paull and I had our viability ultrasound last week and we got to see the heartbeat. Doctors says it is a good strong one, so why did I come home last night and start to bleed? At first I thought, here we go again-another miscarriage. I have had two before I got pregnant with Matthew. The blood was heavy and RED. My husband called right as I sat on the toilet when I "got the urge" that something was wrong. He rushed right home to help take care of the baby so I could lay down. I laid down with the baby for a nap for about an hour. When I woke up Paull was on the computer and said " I have been doing some research online and I think you should read what I have found."

First I thought to myself, is this what a husband who has been thru many a miscarriage with his wife does while she bears the pain and shame in silence? My second thought was, how sweet it was that he was trying to stay positve, if you know Paull you know that he is not the most positive person. So, as the night wore on, I started to notice that there wasn't any clots or tissue like before. By the morning, I secretly hoped maybe it wasn't a miscarriage but something else. When I woke up at 4 am while Paull was feeding the baby I went to the bathroom and I was still bleeding, but not as much. When I got up at 6:45 there was no red blood, only light brown. So I walked on eggs shells all morning, until I could get into the doctor. Finally, I was on the table waiting for the doc to come in. She came in and looked grave but the wand went in and she said "UM, well-baby is still in there, and we still have a good strong heartbeat, but what I do see is some blood behind your placenta." WTF does that mean?!?! I had a friend who had had that when she was pregnant with her son but I had no real clue what it was. Apparently I have a pocket of blood behind my placenta. It might correct itself, it may not.

She said she couldn't give me any guarantees but did put me on "rest" for the next few days. We are really hoping this fixes itself otherwise we might be headed down an all too well road traveled for us... and for too many we know.


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